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The Pie: Chapter 1
Title: The Pie: Eyes Wide Open
Characters: Spock, Chekov, Scotty, Uhura
Fandom: TOS
Genre: Total crack.
Summary: Spock likes pie.
Eyes Wide Open
First, he became aware of a tantalizing aroma. Next, he heard the low hum of whispered voices. Finally, he opened his eyes to see two figures in red and one in gold huddled together.
By the table.
The phrase “not fair” and the words “mine” and “last” drifted through the air of his quarters and burrowed through his befuddlement.
Ponfo mirann! Instantly and fully awake, he sat up.
“Trashu!” he ordered the trio ogling the last slice of pie.
The whispering stopped. Engineer Scott and Ensign Chekov spun to face him.
Lt. Uhura did not turn from the table. Or the pie.
“That means he wants you two to leave,” she told the Scot and the Russian.
_____________
The two men exchanged fearful glances before spinning around again and rushing from the room. Miss Uhura remained facing the table.
Spock swung his feet over the side of the bed.
“That order pertained to you as well, Lieutenant.”
“Oh no, Mr. Spock,” she replied, without moving except to adjust a wide red strap crossing on a diagonal from her right shoulder to her left hip. “I can’t do that.”
He eyed the strap curiously. It was the same color as her tunic, and he hadn’t immediately noticed it upon waking.
“Why not, Ms. Uhura?” he asked. The room seemed to spin as he got to his feet. Carefully, he made his way towards her and the pie.
She turned and he saw that the strap was actually a sling slung across her chest. And it was… undulating.
“I can’t take her outside in this cold,” the lieutenant informed him.
He took a closer look at the heaving sling and at the tiny brown face latched onto dark brown nipple, sucking furiously.
The room lurched.
_____________
First, he heard the high-pitched wails reverberating through the room. Next he became aware of a pounding in his head which almost made him wish he had not regained consciousness. Finally, he peeled open his eyes to see Lt. Uhura bending over him.
“Olau tu uf?” she asked in Vulcan. “Weh-rom ha?”
“Rai,” he answered her second question first. “I believe the child’s cries are making me feel worse.”
“Ahh,” the lieutenant murmured as she tried to soothe the infant by rubbing its back. Illogically, she was smiling. “Kusut-patam ha?”
“Ha,” he agreed, then switched to Standard. Or at least tried to do so. The words were hard to find through the throbbing of his head. “And it is getting worse with each passing second. Can you not quiet your… kan-bu?”
Watching her shake her head in the negative made his skaun-sa’haf churn, so he closed his eyes again. The volume of the kan-bu’s sobs increased.
“It is your fault,” Ms. Uhura told him. Fortunately, she continued to speak his native language. “She was content until you fainted. Stand up. Show her you are well, and she will stop crying.”
Spock opened his eyes and peered around the not-quite-familiar room.
“I am most certainly not well, Lieutenant,” he replied after ascertaining that he was, indeed, lying on his back. On the floor. In a sparsely-furnished room he was not certain he remembered entering.
“Pretend,” she ordered in Standard.
He sat up. The kan-bu quieted
“I believe there should be a… kusut-nem-tukh with my belongings.” Between the roiling in his stomach and the pulsating pain in his head, the Standard word eluded him.
Lt. Uhura handed him a hypospray, explaining, “I anticipated the need.”
The powerful analgesic began to work almost instantly, and he was able to rise to his feet within seconds. The infant — that was the word! — lowered her volume again, but continued to sob in her mother’s(?) arms.
Inexplicably, the normally amiable communications officer glared at him. He caught a glimpse of an enticing nipple as she pulled the baby from the sling. She looked up just in time to catch him staring.
“None of that from you, Mister!” Lt. Uhura snapped in Standard.
“That’s what got us into this mess in the first place,” she added in what could only be described as a frustrated mutter. “Here!”
Suddenly, his hands were full of wriggling infant — instinctively, he pulled her to his chest to keep from dropping her, the lieutenant was hiding the best sight he’d seen since waking up and then… silence.
“See?” The note of triumph he detected in Ms. Uhura’s voice was reflected in her smile.
Spock raised a questioning brow.
“She’s a baba’s girl,” said the lieutenant. Her grin broadened.
“Sa-mekh,” said the kan-bu. She patted his cheek with a plump little hand.
“Fascinating,” said Spock. He examined the child’s delicately pointed ears.
Go to Chapter 2.
Characters: Spock, Chekov, Scotty, Uhura
Fandom: TOS
Genre: Total crack.
Summary: Spock likes pie.
Eyes Wide Open
First, he became aware of a tantalizing aroma. Next, he heard the low hum of whispered voices. Finally, he opened his eyes to see two figures in red and one in gold huddled together.
By the table.
The phrase “not fair” and the words “mine” and “last” drifted through the air of his quarters and burrowed through his befuddlement.
Ponfo mirann! Instantly and fully awake, he sat up.
“Trashu!” he ordered the trio ogling the last slice of pie.
The whispering stopped. Engineer Scott and Ensign Chekov spun to face him.
Lt. Uhura did not turn from the table. Or the pie.
“That means he wants you two to leave,” she told the Scot and the Russian.
_____________
The two men exchanged fearful glances before spinning around again and rushing from the room. Miss Uhura remained facing the table.
Spock swung his feet over the side of the bed.
“That order pertained to you as well, Lieutenant.”
“Oh no, Mr. Spock,” she replied, without moving except to adjust a wide red strap crossing on a diagonal from her right shoulder to her left hip. “I can’t do that.”
He eyed the strap curiously. It was the same color as her tunic, and he hadn’t immediately noticed it upon waking.
“Why not, Ms. Uhura?” he asked. The room seemed to spin as he got to his feet. Carefully, he made his way towards her and the pie.
She turned and he saw that the strap was actually a sling slung across her chest. And it was… undulating.
“I can’t take her outside in this cold,” the lieutenant informed him.
He took a closer look at the heaving sling and at the tiny brown face latched onto dark brown nipple, sucking furiously.
The room lurched.
_____________
First, he heard the high-pitched wails reverberating through the room. Next he became aware of a pounding in his head which almost made him wish he had not regained consciousness. Finally, he peeled open his eyes to see Lt. Uhura bending over him.
“Olau tu uf?” she asked in Vulcan. “Weh-rom ha?”
“Rai,” he answered her second question first. “I believe the child’s cries are making me feel worse.”
“Ahh,” the lieutenant murmured as she tried to soothe the infant by rubbing its back. Illogically, she was smiling. “Kusut-patam ha?”
“Ha,” he agreed, then switched to Standard. Or at least tried to do so. The words were hard to find through the throbbing of his head. “And it is getting worse with each passing second. Can you not quiet your… kan-bu?”
Watching her shake her head in the negative made his skaun-sa’haf churn, so he closed his eyes again. The volume of the kan-bu’s sobs increased.
“It is your fault,” Ms. Uhura told him. Fortunately, she continued to speak his native language. “She was content until you fainted. Stand up. Show her you are well, and she will stop crying.”
Spock opened his eyes and peered around the not-quite-familiar room.
“I am most certainly not well, Lieutenant,” he replied after ascertaining that he was, indeed, lying on his back. On the floor. In a sparsely-furnished room he was not certain he remembered entering.
“Pretend,” she ordered in Standard.
He sat up. The kan-bu quieted
“I believe there should be a… kusut-nem-tukh with my belongings.” Between the roiling in his stomach and the pulsating pain in his head, the Standard word eluded him.
Lt. Uhura handed him a hypospray, explaining, “I anticipated the need.”
The powerful analgesic began to work almost instantly, and he was able to rise to his feet within seconds. The infant — that was the word! — lowered her volume again, but continued to sob in her mother’s(?) arms.
Inexplicably, the normally amiable communications officer glared at him. He caught a glimpse of an enticing nipple as she pulled the baby from the sling. She looked up just in time to catch him staring.
“None of that from you, Mister!” Lt. Uhura snapped in Standard.
“That’s what got us into this mess in the first place,” she added in what could only be described as a frustrated mutter. “Here!”
Suddenly, his hands were full of wriggling infant — instinctively, he pulled her to his chest to keep from dropping her, the lieutenant was hiding the best sight he’d seen since waking up and then… silence.
“See?” The note of triumph he detected in Ms. Uhura’s voice was reflected in her smile.
Spock raised a questioning brow.
“She’s a baba’s girl,” said the lieutenant. Her grin broadened.
“Sa-mekh,” said the kan-bu. She patted his cheek with a plump little hand.
“Fascinating,” said Spock. He examined the child’s delicately pointed ears.
Go to Chapter 2.